Mar 24, 2016

How hard is it to apologise?

In my various interactions at work, in class and socially, I’m really surprised by how hard some people find it to apologise. Surely, if you are in error, whether you have done something (or not done something), intentionally or unintentionally, you could apologise? Why is it so hard to do?

Guy Winch 2013, The Squeaky Wheel Blog, observes that for some, not apologising shores up their fragile self-esteem. Bear with me on this point, because perhaps like you, I’ve often thought that people who don’t apologise are just arrogant and rude. He points out that it may be a matter of wanting to hide/avoid basic fears. He cites several reasons but three made me reconsider: some people are not able to separate their actions from who they are as people; some fear that by apologising, they “open sesame” for other previous ‘wrongs” to be discussed; and finally, that by apologising, the other party is let off the hook of any responsibility for the wrongdoing. Phew!

1. Firstly, let’s consider the idea that some people cannot separate their actions from who they are, i.e. their identity. So if they did something wrong, or bad, then they must be bad people. If they forgot to do something, they must be So the idea here would be to apologise for the actions as in “I apologise for forgetting to do the minutes. Let me get onto it right away.” The thing is, we all make mistakes, we all forget stuff and for sure, we are not perfect.


2. Then there is the view that for some, apologising may be perceived as permitting other unrelated and/or past wrongdoings to be raised, increasing the risk of conflict. They fear the barrage of accusations, and so refrain from apologising to protect their sense of self from further hurt. I’d suggest keeping the conversation focused on the present issue. I might say “I appreciate that there may have been other times where I didn’t apologise, but I’d like to talk about the current issue. I’m trying to take responsibility for my actions and I would appreciate you being able to see this as a genuine apology”.


3. Finally, I’ve come to realise that if one person apologises, and let us say that the blame was not all theirs, that they might believe that the other person is then absolved from apologising. Why should they take the blame? Why should they risk (from their perspective) admission of wrongdoing? If my partner brings home the wrong brand of eggs from the grocery store despite seemingly clear instructions, then he should apologise, right? But if my instructions were vague and presumed that my partner should “know that that’s the brand we always buy”, would that not make both of us responsible to some degree? And therefore, should we not both apologise to each other?

In conclusion, I’d like to point out that in my experience, apologising only enhanced the relationship I had in future with that person. I believe that it often reduces the escalation of conflict and I truly believe, that it takes nothing away from who you are as a person, especially if it is based on a foundation of sincerity.