Jun 22, 2016

In Advanced Communication Skills, I often make the point that with interpersonal communications, we should be more strategic in our approach; start with the end in mind. Where do I want to be at the end of this interaction? My feeling is that if you know what outcome you are striving for, you are more like to embrace the communication tools to get you there, such as choosing your language carefully, showing empathy, being assertive if appropriate, listening, giving feedback, and so forth. So it was with great pleasure, I read in the latest Scientific American Mind issue (Mind, 11, may/June 2016 p.16) about “How to be a better Arguer”!

Synching directly with my view, the author talks about “having Hope” and cites as an example, Middle Eastern or Northern Irish leaders who, if they believe that peace is possible for the region, exhibit outlooks that “engender compromise, a willingness to forgive and less retaliation”. What I understand from this is that if you focus on a cooperative outcome in your interactions, you are more likely to see the result you desire; all your words and actions will be focused on this front-and-centre end goal.

Additionally, the author talks about keeping an “open mind”, a concept we have heard many times. Here the point is made, that when we perceive that we are in opposition to a view held by another (person, party, group) we have a tendency to reiterate our views, and to build a case to validate these views! Even if we say that we are listening to others, are we actively looking for information which they reveal, to work towards “discovering the right answer” i.e. a workable solution? If we consider the current political debates, it seems that each side just seeks to push its own agenda without any real engagement or openness, to achieve a different better outcome for their constituents.

The final point the author makes is that we should get out of our habitual and entrenched thinking groove… you know, the same, well-worn arguments we always use. Try something different, think about ways to break the tension, behave in a different more positive way, and you change not only your pattern of behaviour, but also the other person, thereby influencing the interpersonal relationship.